On Her Birthday Her Coral Rose Bloomed

Today would have been my precious Nixie's 33rd birthday. Facebook reminded me this week that I have a friend with a birthday this week and asked if I would like to post on her wall to wish her a happy 33rd birthday. Well, I don't need Facebook to remind me as I am reminded by my sadness and the huge void I still feel every single day as Nixie pops into my mind and even most nights in my dreams.

While I was away at her funeral on Easter Monday last year, a cousin asked where I would be for my birthday. It was all a blur and my own birthday was not even registering on my radar. As it happened, it was 2 days away. Back home in New Brunswick, my dear friend, Patsy had bought me a little rose bush for my birthday, keeping it on her porch and watering it until I returned hoping it would survive in the unpredictable weather of Spring in the Maritimes. She had also given me the rosary made from coral brought back from her vacation to Cuba which I had blessed and lovingly placed around Nixie's hands in her casket.

Eventually, I did return to receive my birthday present. The little kordana rose plant was looking a bit bedraggled but alive. I put it on my plant shelf and continued to water it until Victoria Day weekend when it is said to be safe to start the garden after the threat of frost is gone. Sadly we lost Nixie's godfather and my Uncle Louis that week. Five weeks after travelling to Toronto to her funeral, I did a quick turn around back to the very same funeral home and a burial plot right next to Nixie's for yet another sad farewell on Victoria Day. There is some sad comfort in the fact that they are buried so close together as I feel they'll watch over each other in heaven.

Summer came and my family came to visit in July. My sister had lost a daughter and the godfather they shared, my mother had lost a granddaughter and a brother and I had lost my precious godchild and the uncle who had baptized her with me almost 31 years prior. It was a subdued visit but we soothed each other with the love of a family gathered in grief that was still very raw.

In the meantime, the little rose bush was getting greener on the shelf and eventually after their visit I planted it

Nixie's coral rose bloomed
on her birthday

in the garden. The first bloom arrived on what would have been Nixie's 32nd birthday and the colour of the bloom was coral. Unbeknownst to my friend, Patsy, coral is my favourite colour in the world so much so I picked it as my wedding theme colour when coral was not even in the bridal books yet. Napkins had to be died coral and we had to buy the fabric for the dresses in Pittsburgh, PA where my other sister, Nixie's Aunty Odie lives. Our cousin Marco Polo, Designer Extraordinaire did a beautiful job of making the dresses to complement my bridal gown. My girls were all gorgeous in coral and I am so very grateful for the coral rose bush which to me was a sign that Nixie was indeed celebrating her birthday with me, albeit from her spiritual realm.

I found out on the eve of her burial that the 31 white balloons filled with helium signifying each year that she lived which were to be released up to the sky at the graveside had lost their air by morning and would not go up that day. Upon hearing this, I knew that was confirmation for us that her soul is eternal and she did not want us to think this was the end of her. 31 was not all there is. She will be with us forever. She is eternal. The four heart balloons, one for each of her children held their helium and were indeed sent up to heaven with their mummy gone too soon by each of them as planned.

Coral roses happily blooming

Last October our wood supply for the winter arrived and was unloaded on the lawn. About a week after the delivery, I looked out the window suddenly realizing that the logs were right on top of Nixie's little coral rose bush and dispaired of its survival. I rushed out to the garden and began throwing logs off the pile hoping to find the little rose bush alive. To my delight I not only found it alive but it had another 2 blooms. This little rose bush lives on and on inspite of adversity. This spring we had more blooms and they continued into the summer. I'm sure we will have more in the fall as well. My sweet Nixie continues to make her "presence" felt in every area of my life and I know just as sure as I'm sitting here typing this, we will meet again. So Happy Birthday sweet godchild mine. I shall miss you for now but I rejoice in your eternal freedom and look forward to the day when we can hug again.

Godmother yours,
Aunty B

God's Light Is Always Present

Hello, from Aunty B after too long. There is a reason for my delay, though. I have been trying in vain to access the wallpaper on my cell phone so that I can share this story with you.  Today I gave up and just took a photo of the cell phone as best I could with my digital camera. Please forgive the blurry-ness.

Some time in February of this year, a couple of months before my precious Nixie passed away, late one evening I received a photo on my cell phone. It came from a number I didn't recognize and was part of a broadcast to several recipients. It was a weekend and I knew Nixie, being Nixie, had her two oldest children with her and probably a niece or two as well visiting to spend time with the baby. He was only 5 months old then. Irritated that she stored my new number in her phone, assuming the kids messing around, probably clicked random people to text on it. I looked at the message to find this very beautiful but sad photo of her, which I now cherish. Incidentally, her middle name is Cherise, which her mummy, my sister chose because it means to her "dear one". When she passed away on April 16th, I made this photo my cell phone wallpaper.

The months have passed and along the way I have had inklings, nudges, feelings and little lights of dawning, always when I have been on my daily walk with my dog or during meditation, those times when I am alone and talking to my precious Nixie in her now divine-again state, but none like this one. Now I can't give you the exact date of this profound moment, but it shook me and elated me all in one swoop. I sat at my computer, which also had a photo of Nixie and I as the desktop wallpaper so that I could see her when I talk to her each morning as I begin my day. I plugged my cell phone in to charge. The photo of her above looked back at me from my cell phone seeming so deep in thought. Then I looked at the one of her and I on my desktop, the second one from the left up here in the banner of this blog, where she's hugging me from behind and said, "Go on sweet godchild of mine. Do great things. Make loving, nourishing choices. Graduate with flying colours. Give beautiful valediction and as you dreamed in this life, go on to teach others from your mistakes and help them pull themselves back up out of the holes their choices have dug for them. I am proud of you for trying so hard, for wanting so much to help others you saw suffering as you did, barely healed yourself. We'll be ok here. Just show us who you are when we meet again so we recognize you".

I went on to check e-mail, the cell phone screen off now, and worked on my computer for a little while. Momentarily, the phone chimed to let me know it was fully charged and I unplugged it from the charger. I was astounded when I turned it on to find with no action on my part that my wallpaper had changed to the hallway of light. Yes I know this is a stock wallpaper graphic on some phones, but I did not touch my phone all the time it was charging. I had never seen this picture before and I certainly never knew it was even in my cell phone software. As I said, I have been trying in vain to retrieve this picture to write about my message for months.

The interesting timing of this incident was after I had been speaking to a very spiritual friend who has seen me through many a trial over the past nineteen years or so. She explained that it did your loved one's soul no good to sit about sad, wishing she were still here, in fact it hindered the soul's journey and ultimate onward evolution. She went on to describe the process, as she saw it from the moment of death. She said that your soul immediately goes through a kind of viewing process of each and every decision taken in this lifetime and the consequences that arose from it. Simultaneously, there is a choice made to choose a different result until a new incarnation is formed. Ironically, not knowing anything about my precious Nixie, my friend said, maybe she will choose to be a social worker or a counsellor in the next life to help those who have faced the same trials as she did. I was floored by this confirmation, as I saw it from the divine. Funnily enough, I have not been able to send or receive MMS on my cell since I received that photo of Nixie in February.

I spoke to my friend just at the right time, I got my cell phone message just at the right time, and today I figured that this story must be told so I was given the inspiration to take the photo another way, just at the right time. I also believe that my Nixie chose to make her transition back to the divine at exactly the right time for her souls eternal journey. I remain open to the signs, wherever and whatever they may be.

Until next time, hug someone you love,

Aunty B

AS DAYS GO BYE?

Hello There, Aunty B here to share with you another beautiful heartfelt poem by my sweet and talented niece, Jahnia. Like me, she writes from her soul and as a way of working through her emotions, especially the tragic loss of her mommy, my sweet godchild, Nixie. 

Thank you so much Jahnia for conveying what we all would like to have the words to say. We feel your pain and your loss and are very proud of how you have grown up. Keep writing as you write just beautifully and as time goes by it will help your sister and your brothers to read your poems and know what a loving mother Nixie was. She's smiling on you all from heaven.

Days go bye and bye but I never seem to forget what happened.

I wanna forget that part of it  but never forget U.

As days go bye, I think and think and think,  why!

WhY did it have to happened to the most wonderful girl, the most

Respectful girl, my mom, my bestfriend, and the girl I could to tell

everything, the girl that deseved much more than she had

but as the days go by I will never forget !


written by : Jahnia Amyotte

Amidst The Sadness Come Memories of Fun Shared in The Past

Hi There,

Aunty B here to share a story from a lady my precious Nixie knew but I didn't. I want to thank you, "Hope Place Sister", for sharing the fun side of my Nixie. These are the wonderful memories that keep her in our hearts and comfort us knowing that so many loved and cherished her. If you would like to contact me, kindly leave a comment below and I'll get back to you right away.

I share your story here just in case the funeral home Web site has a time limit on the guestbook for our dearest departed loved ones. Thank you for sharing those happy times we might not have otherwise known Nixie had.

Hope Place Sister <3

First of all, I would like to say how truly, deeply sorry I am to Nicoles family and children. She was a beautiful girl, with a beautiful heart and soul. She left us all too soon, but God has gained another wonderful angel.

We were at Hope Place in Milton in December of '09. I only knew Nikki for a short time, but in that time I got to know her very, very well. Besides her wonderful smile, the thing I remember most about her was the love she had for her beautiful children. She spoke of them all the time, and I remember that on one of our few shopping trips while at Hope place, she came back with hundreds of dollars worth of Christmas gifts for her babies, and she was so proud and so happy that she was able to do that for them.

My final memory of Nikki was (of course) also, at Hope Place. At night Nikki and her roommate and me and my roommate would try to scare each other and outdo the other from the night before. Well, Nikki had gotten us pretty good the night before by hiding in our closet and jumping out at us when we entered the room. She scared us... badly! We all (especially Nikki, who was pretty proud of herself, lol) laughed for a very long time over that. The next night my roommate and I were listening to Nikki and her roommate talking in their room late at night, from the window. Not only were we all suppose to be inside by then,but Hope Place was just a house in the middle of nowhere, far back from the main road, surrounded by nothing but forrest and fields for miles. So she didn't expect anyone to be outside.

We waited silently for a few minutes and then I banged on their window as fast and as hard as I could, and scared the crap out of them. Nikki literally jumped onto the other girls bed an hid behind her while still screaming. By the time we came in and made it to their door, they were still in the middle of the room holding onto each other trying to look out the window from across the room. When they realised it was us, I'm pretty sure that she threw some stuff at us, but soon began to laugh just as hard, if not harder then we were.

She had such a wonderful sense of humour. She was usually always smiling or laughing. She loved to talk too which sometimes got her in trouble..lol) At Hope place we had alot of very serious very deep discussions about our past among other things, and Nikki would be the first one to reach out to another, when they were crying or sad, or just having a hard time expressing what they needed too, and give them a hug, a tissue, or even a sympathetic look, or a knowing smile. She had a very generous heart, and I will truly truly miss her. She was and always will be my Hope Place sister, and like I said, we lost a beautiful woman from our lives, but gained a wonderful angel to watch over us all.

I miss you Nikki, and am so upset we lost touch over the past few years. You touched my heart in many ways, and I think of you often. Your children and your family are in my heart. <3
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

RIP Nikki 

Once again, I thank you for your sweet and precious memories, Hope Place Sister, and wish you all the success you deserve on your own journey of healing and wholeness.

Much love and blessings, 

Nixie's Aunty B

She Always Wanted To Be A Good Aunt

Hello our family, friends and loved ones. As Nixie's Aunty B, I can attest to the fact that she always wanted to be a good aunt. She would call her Nanny up and say she's coming to the country for a break to get away from the city for a day. Sure enough, when she got there, she always had a niece or two in tow.

She always called me wherever I was in the world from Nanny's house on her visits. I would say to her "I thought you were taking a break today" and her response would always be "They wanted to come and looked sad that I was leaving so I couldn't not bring them. They're my nieces and I want to be there for them and be a good aunty". Well, my sweet Nixie, here is the living proof that you were that and so much more. Your first niece, Diavione, wrote this tribute for you on the day she was to say her last farewell to you. In her grief, she forgot it at home and didn't get to read it to you in church on that saddest day of days in her life. With her permission, I have included her favourite photo of both of you and her heartfelt words:

Every knows our beautiful Nixie, but no one knows her as much as her family and very close friends.

Nixie was our hero. She cared for people older than her, same age or even younger it doesn’t matter who you are she cared for you. 

Even if you had no home or if you had no clothes she would give you the clothes that she was wearing because that’s just who she was. She was an amazing mom sister, aunt, daughter, granddaughter and much more.

She would go down the wrong path but she found herself again we all wish she was here but know she is in a much better place and we know she will be in God’s hands where she will rest and where there is no more pain and she won't have to struggle ever again.

It is a beautiful tribute, Diavione and I'm sure your Aunty Nixie is smiling down on you from heaven, shining her love upon you and watching over you on your eleventh birthday and always, as proud of you as we are.

Love You,
Aunty B

The Struggle To Make Sense of The Seemingly Senseless

Hello there, my beloved family, friends and those drawing inspiration from this blog. I started this blog as a way of moving through my grief over losing my sweet godchild, Nixie 4 weeks ago today at such a young age. As I have posted before, finding words in these early days has been challenging so I began by sharing the poems of her daughter, cousin and soon one from her niece.

Bear in mind, folks have shared odes, tributes and stories which may have circulated via e-mail and generally online, some recently and others for a long time not always identifying the author, like the one I read at her funeral, handed to me minutes before delivered it from the lectern. These verses are still around because they have helped so many through difficult times and continue to help still more. One such story I have seen in my in-box for years many times comes to mind as I struggle with more questions than answers in my various stages of grief.

I believe this is called, Two Travelling Angels but I'm not sure. I have no idea who wrote it but draw great comfort from it and hope you do too.

Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night
in the home of a wealthy family.

The family was rude and refused to let the angels
stay in the mansion's guest room.

Instead the angels were given a small space in
the cold basement.

As they made their bed on the hard floor, the
older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it.

When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied,
"Things aren't always what they seem."

The next night the pair came to rest at the house
of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife.

After sharing what little food they had the couple
let the angels sleep in their bed where they could
have a good night's rest.

When the sun came up the next morning the angels
found the farmer and his wife in tears.

Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole
income, lay dead in the field.

The younger angel was infuriated and asked the
older angel how could you have let this happen?

The first man had everything, yet you helped him, she accused.

The second family had little but was willing to
share everything, and you let the cow die.

"Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied.

"When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I
noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall.

Since the owner was so obsessed with greed
and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it."

"Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed,
the angel of death came for his wife. I gave him the cow instead.

Things aren't always what they seem."

To quote the great author, Toni Morrison, who lost a son this past December, "I expect to be sad for the rest of my days. I am not looking to move on. I am not looking for closure. That would dishonour my son's memory". She said she has things that are hers. She has her writing. These are places where you can keep going, keep living your life, as I interpret it. She advised that we should find something that is our "sacred place, it may be gardening", and that for her it's her writing. I feel the same way as Ms. Morrison that my writing is my sacred place. It is where I can express myself without interruption or wondering if someone is "getting" what I'm saying. It's just for me to heal and hopefully inspire those who may stumble upon my words. For this sacred place, I am truly grateful.

I did not know that my sweet Nixie's exit from this road we began travelling together was coming so soon, but I do know I have to keep going to fulfill the divine plan we co-created previous to coming here, without GPS, and trust that things may not always be what they seem, but that I don't always have to understand. April 25th, 2011 when I had to say farewell to my sweet godchild was the saddest day of my life to date. I expect to be sad every moment that I think of her because I have loved her and been loved by her. Our souls journey has been written. I just need to continue along the route and watch for the signs which will show me my lane until we meet again.

Until next time, tell someone you love them.

Aunty B

She Rehearsed Her Poem Until She Read It Without Crying

Hello My Loved Ones. Today I bring you the poem, my other goddaughter, Miss Mew read for her cousin, Nixie.

When she heard her cousin had just died suddenly, as we all did, she cried and cried and hugged her Mom. She was with her friends on her way to see a movie. They promised her Mom they would be there to help her through her grief as they proceeded on to the theatre.

Her schooling has served her well. She has taken a public speaking class but nothing could make delivering a poem for her cousin at her funeral easy. She arrived at Nanny's house after an all-night coach ride and read it to her Auntie Julie, Nixie's Mom. She had read it to her own Mom. I arrived late that evening and she read it to me. Each time she managed another paragraph with less pausing to choke back her tears. The final rehearsal was at the casket. Miss Mew thought if she managed to read it through without breaking down to Nixie herself in her casket at the funeral home, she would be able to do it in front of the congregation in the church.

As she approached the lectern she took a deep breath. She began by introducing herself as Nixie's cousin from Pittsburgh and then thanked everybody for coming. She did us proud, reading strongly and steadily with her mother, Nixie's Aunty Odie and myself standing behind her, one step below her, each with a hand on her back. This is the poem, my sweet godchild, Miss Mew read for her precious cousin, Nixie:

An Angel whispered to Nixie,
take my hand and come with me
you're work here is done.

Nixie went away to a place
where there are no tears, nor sorrow
only laughter and smiles,
there will always be a Tomorrow.

As Nixie moves amongst the clouds.
She’ll look down and smile upon us
while the angels sing a heavenly song.

Nixie is not alone; all who went before are there.
Papa Eric, Mama, Aunty Ada & Uncle Howard awaited her return.

Nixie knows we'll grieve and wish she was still here
But she is here in the memories we hold dear.

Remember how much Nixie loves us
and know she took our love with her.
She did not wish for us to cry, nor feel sad.
Her pain is gone and she is Free!

Soon we'll go to join her.
Until then God will be with us
Just as He's with Nixie.

She ended with a teary "I love you, Nixie" and walked back to her pew with the dignity and class we who have seen her grow up were filled with pride and joy to witness. "Well done!", I whispered as I took my place at the lectern not doing nearly as well as my sweet Miss Mew did.